You're terrible Muriel

I am not a sexual person. That's my problem. That's why everyone wants to be my friend and not my lover. I'm laughing my a** off at that last sentence. Oh man, hilarious. But I was talking to Emily last night about me not putting out a sexual vibe and we started to deconstruct what the hell people mean by "vibe". I personally never think that guys are putting out sexual vibes- it's either they're interested or they're not. I guess the sexual vibe could be the guy who is looking to get laid, but that's just slutty, not sexual. I'm just too uptight...I like to think when I go out and meet someone I put out the "I'm into you" vibe but apparantly they're just picking up the "I want to iron your button up" vibration. It's no good I tell you. Especially for someone who loves a hot guy...I go a little crazy anytime I see one (not crazy like foaming at the mouth or anything...in case that's what you were thinking). And I obsess about their hotness. And I just want to ravage them. But alas, I'm not sexual, so I'll just sit and stare instead.

I worked out on Monday and am thinking I might have overdone it a little as I've been sore as crap ever since and actually nauseaus b/c of it. I like to take "feel the burn" to a whole new level.

And now for the something completely stupid and totally lame: My friend Guiseppe and I created a personal add for craigslist after we kept making references to me needing a cabana boy(think Matt Dillon from The Flamingo Kid)...here is what it said:

DEBUATANTE IN NEED OF A WELL-MANNERED CABANA BOY
I am a Paris Hilton-type seeking a cabana boy for the summer. Must be young (20-30) and attractive. Duties include: bringing me drinks, fanning me (must provide own fan), occasional foot and neck massages, following me around, etc. Not allowed to speak unless spoken to...VERY IMPORTANT! Actually having a cabana a plus. Inquiring parties please contact via email.

And how many responses did I get? 27. I've posted my favorite below:

Do you have any yellow fever or Asian persuasion? While you are looking for Prince Charming which can take years in LA, why dont you meet your sexual needs with this smart, funny imported beefcake as your friend and fuck buddy? Since your Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, let me Usher you to my Candy Shop.

Do you have any Chinese in you? If not, I can give you some with no G-string attached, and you can even have a ball .... :) I can open more Doors than Jim Morrison, so Cum On Baby, Light My Fire. Save drama for your mama, and enjoy some original comedy with me.

Got Milk? I am a weapon of ass seduction, a muscular alpha male, confident, exotic, erotic, intelligent (MS CalTech, USC PhD program with a Lick Her license), discreet, diclicious, juicy, cerebral, and funny Asian stud, 30 years young, 69 inches, 185lbs, works out daily, non-smoker, disease and drug-free, smooth, shaved, hot but way cool, well hung but not cocky, thick and uncut for your Sugar Walls. I love animals, and can lick your kitty, spread your eagle, do a doggie, taste your Red Bull, kiss your Jaguar, or horse around with the cock. I am not Madonna, but I can Juicify My Love. I am not George Michael, but I Want Your Sex. I can host since I have nice condo near Westwood Village and Sports Club LA with heated swimming pool, sundeck, tanning chairs, koi pond, waterfall, lush landscaping, jacuzzi, steam room, gym, personal sauna, French music, satin sheets, and decorated with art and statues.

I am not Cameron Diaz or Russell Crowe, but I am The Sweetest Thing with A Beautiful Mind. I am not Garfunkel, but I do what Simon says. I am spiritual, witty, can make you laugh, connect with you on many levels, and fill you with more Passion than Mel Gibson. I am not an Oscar winner, but I am a Million Dollar Baby for a goddess who can ANALyze This. I love to go downtown on an Uptown Girl because I am a more cunning linguist than The Interpreter who can cumfort you regularly as a friend with benefits, or if we click, supply more LTR than a nympho can swallow.

I am a porn-again Christian who disagrees with the Pope on contraception and celibacy, so cum play with my bishop, get baptized with holy water, and cummit a cardinal sin. I am Home Alone in Westwood so you can just bring your bikini and swim/jacuzzi/sauna with me, have some wine, nuts, sausage, conversation, and creampie, watch DVD, enjoy my humor, get under my foreskin, and receive a facial. I can rock you better than Rod Stewart, so if you want my body and if you think I am sexy, just reach out and let me know. I look gorgeous naked, and can outlast the Energizer bunny for your Close Encounter of the Wild Kind, so email me stats, pics and perhaps your # so I can fulfill your Booty Call and be the boy toy in your Happy Meal.

La Perla lingerie $400

Liposuction $2000

Mercedes Benz S-class $100,000

Finding a talented Chinese Takeout who has class and can make you laugh......priceless.

Nice.

R.